2022’s slowdown continued with a particularly uneventful October. We do have a big new number one to talk about, but little else to go with it and Taylor Swift will flip the charts upside down next week anyway leaving most of this as old news. A new Drake & 21 Savage project is on the way as well so things look set to pick up a fair bit next month just as the Billboard year comes to an end. Onwards…
“STAR WALKIN’ (League of Legends Worlds Anthem)” by Lil Nas X
Peak #32, Current #43
So this song was written for the League of Legends World Championship, which amusingly is not only something that people apparently do care about but also has an infinitely more detailed Wikipedia page than this song. Whilst there are no actual references to the game in the lyrics, it does give off a definite commercial vibe, and not really in a good way.
Something about the over-dramatic chorus just sounds like it’s trying too hard to be anthemic and Lil Nas X doesn’t have anywhere near the vocal presence to make it convincing. He then completely undercuts matters by starting the second verse with the absolutely terrible couplet “Been that n**** since I came out my mama, thanking God daddy never wore a condom”, before preceding to talk about how people are apparently all against him (nobody cares about you like that…) before abruptly switching back to the pumped-up hook. Yeah don’t really care for this.
5/10
“Tomorrow 2” by GloRilla & Cardi B
Peak #9, Current #24
Memphis rapper Glorilla is the latest addition to the mainstream rostrum of female rappers with her incredibly mid song F.N.F. achieving mild popularity a few months back, and now she has this big collaboration out with Cardi B. Compared to her female contemporaries Glorilla brings a darker sound with an aggressive flow and murky, minimalist production. She reminds me quite a lot of NLE Choppa, for better or worse.
Anyhow, this song is alright. The intensity is there and the two rappers bring plenty of vicious attitude but it doesn’t add up to any more than what you’d expect. Even at three and a half minutes it feels like it runs rather long, it’s not catchy at all since the so-called hook is the exact same flow as the verses, and the only lines that stick out are the goofy ones like where Cardi says her weave is so long it tickles her ass crack. “N****”, “bitch” and “fuck” make up about 50% of the nouns in the lyrics and that says it all really, just lazy writing with no flavour to it and no variety in the flows either. Disappointing.
5/10
“Unholy” by Sam Smith & Kim Petras
Peak #1, Current #1
Well I have to say that I did not see this coming. Sam Smith’s career seemed fairly dead and Kim Petras’ never took off in the first place, and yet here we are with the biggest fresh hit in a while.
I’m not quite sure how to articulate my feelings towards this song, all I know is that I hate hearing it. It’s about a man cheating on his wife with a prostitute, suitably played by Kim, whilst Sam doesn’t seem to be inhibiting any character, rather he’s delivering a third-person narration which is a bit odd for a duet but OK. The lyrics are er… how do I put it… extremely fucking cringe? First of all, last time I checked Sam is English and “the body shop” doesn’t even mean anything over here other than being a cosmetics chain. Far worse is the general lyrical phrasing, I mean maybe it makes sense for Kim but does anybody want to hear Sam Smith say “she be poppin’ it”? Kim meanwhile is weirdly anonymous on her verse.
Regardless, any lyrical or performance-related failures pale in comparison to the fact that as a song it sounds so uncomfortable. The start-stop verse beat is so awkward, the whirring backing vocals behind the hook make me feel sick, and the chorus melody is simply awful to listen to. I know it’s Halloween season so maybe people are looking for something disconcerting to listen to, but this isn’t artfully creepy it’s just a headache. Add to that a stupidly short run-time and a lyrical concept that is neither enjoyable or interesting and you get a song with pretty much no appeal.
So far the main defense I’ve seen for this track is that it sucks but at least it’s being successful for a trans and non-binary artist. Way to be totally patronising and fail to justify anything about this. Even the people who manufactured hype for the viral TikTok snippet seemed disappointed in the end result and that says it all.
2/10
“Victoria’s Secret” by Jax
Peak #35, Current #47
Jax is a female singer who has generated some moderate TikTok traction for her music previously, with this track being her big breakthrough hit, with a proper radio run and everything. It’s a social commentary on how fashion brands such as Victoria’s Secret as well as magazines and the like present unrealistic body expectations that are harmful to women and girls and lead to eating disorders, as well as how the image they portray is made up by men to make money off girls’ insecurities. It’s hard to knock the message of the track, but unfortunately songs like this tend to be inherently cringe to listen to and this is no exception.
I get why the lyrics are so blunt but I still feel stupid listening to lines like “I stopped eating, what a bummer, can’t have carbs and a hot girl summer”. Eeeehhhhh I mean I get it but you still sound lame putting it in a song lmao. I would be a lot more forgiving of this if the song actually sounded good but it absolutely doesn’t. I was shocked to learn that Jax got her start on American Idol because my God she is not a good singer. I checked out some of her other songs to be sure and yeah her voice is not pleasant at all, really screechy and grating. The production is also kind of ass with this fuzzy guitar riff cracking all over the woefully weak drum groove and barely audible bassline, not to mention the crappy group vocals and completely unfitting plucky strings in the verses.
So yeah, decent intentions but I wouldn’t want to be seen listening to this and it would probably give me a headache after a while as well. Should’ve stayed as a TikTok.
4/10
“Die For You” by The Weeknd
Peak #33, Current #37
Another installment of “what random old song is going viral this month?”. This time around it’s a track from The Weeknd’s 2016 album Starboy, and as far as i can tell there’s no real explanation for this.
This isn’t really a style of song that I’ve ever liked coming from The Weeknd. His ballads are a bit lethargic in my opinion and really show up the weaknesses in the writing. Ooh girl you’re scared to be lonely, I’d die for you, you won’t find no-one better, ooh you hate that you want me; big yawn. Even in 2016 it was getting boring when he kept writing this type of manipulative, whiny stuff with zero detail to expand upon it, just vague platitudes. It’s seriously crap songwriting that sounds like somebody making a mocking parody of a Weeknd track.
Musically it’s just sort of listless as Abel croons over a dry R&B beat adorned with flat synths without much of a tune to back him up. Really weak sauce, he’s remade this type of song dozens of times since and I’ve never cared for it once. His pop songs are generally quite good but this stuff isn’t.
4/10
“Until I Found You” by Stephen Sanchez
Peak #38, Current #48
Back to TikTok, but this time with a different sound entirely. When I first heard this song I assumed it was from the ’50s or at least based around a sample from that time, but no this is a completely original song riding an old-school pop-soul or almost doo-wop sound to strong results.
Stephen Sanchez has a very listenable voice supported by some well-balanced female backing vocals, and the whole recording has a shockingly authentic retro vibe to it with a chugging guitar guitar line and bluesy rhythm. Even the lyrical phrasing conveys the same classical sound. When the instrumental pulls back on the word “Georgia” my mind slips right into the classic Georgia on my Mind.
If I do have one criticism of this it would be that it feels like a direct imitation of that early ’60s sound, rather than an interpretation of it. It sounds like it was made for the soundtrack of a film set at that time but the producers couldn’t afford the rights to any of the classic hits so they wrote this pastiche instead, you know what I mean. Still, I can’t deny that I really enjoy listening to this. It’s compelling, emotional and quite beautiful honestly. Worth a listen.
7.5/10
“Poland” by Lil Yachty
Peak #40, Current #40
Right OK. A few weeks back there was a leaked demo of this track flying around, Yachty then released the track on SoundCloud and after it started blowing up there it got a full release everywhere. I thought the SoundCloud rap era died in about 2018 but apparently we’re still going.
This is one of those tracks that fits into the category of being more meme than song. Yachty sings the bizarre line “I took the wooooock to Poland” in a very odd way that people find amusing, and that’s basically the whole song which lasts only 83 seconds. The memes are quite funny and I have found myself singing the line randomly, but as a song there’s just nothing here so unsurprisingly the hype has pretty much died already. Ah well, it was a good laugh for like a week.
5/10
“California Breeze” by Lil Baby
Peak #4, Current #4
You can keep sending Lil Baby songs to the top 40 if you like but I’m still not going to find anything to say about them.
4/10
October average: 4.6/10
Worth listening to: “Until I Found You” (just about)
🙂
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